Forgive And Forget? Not Necessarily

We often hear that forgiving grievances and wrongs that are done to us is essential for good mental and even physical health. However, I would like to present a different perspective on the matter: I submit that long-term and even permanent refusal to forgive may under certain circumstances be a justified and healthy reaction toward those who have deeply hurt us and who never apologized or otherwise tried to make amends, especially if one way or another  they're no longer around to do so.

Here is  personal  example. Several years ago, a close family member maliciously turned several mutual relatives against me over a falling out which was supposed to be strictly between her and me.  She died a few years after this incident, and the other family members to whom she denounced me are also all now deceased.  I know that this woman never regretted what she'd done. In turn, I never forgave her and likely never will. 

Now I want to emphasize that I don't advocate an obsessive, all-consuming bitterness by those who cannot forgive a grave injury that was done to them. That can be self-destructive.  Personally, whenever I happen to reflect on what happened to me as narrated above, an objective awareness of having been betrayed remains. But I don't dwell on it. And I never even experienced the desire for vengeance over what happened. When the memory of the incident crosses my mind, I just figuratively shake my head at the unfairness of the way events unfolded, and then I move on to other matters. This is what I mean by managing the feelings of unforgiveness in a rational manner.

And to be clear I certainly don't criticize those who have forgiven their wrongdoers for a particular grievance.  But let it be known that such willingness to let bygones be bygones should not be expected from everybody who's been ill-treated. Above all, no one should be shamed by others for refusing to have a change of heart. In short, each of us must do what's best for him/herself. There are no right or wrong answers. 

So for those who strongly feel that in remaining steadfast in their refusal to forgive, if this is their road to obtaining and keeping peace of mind, then let us be accepting of it. For the choice they've made is one to which they are entitled.